My key takeaways from reading the book I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown

The notes before the notes:

1. These are my notes exactly as I wrote them in my notepad while reading I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown. Anything that is NOT by Brene Brown or is of my own personal thoughts are denoted by "NTS:" Note to self.

2. If you read any mention of a "group," it is because we read this book as a part of a book group facilitated by me as a part of my life coaching practice.

3. All notes are exactly as I wrote them to myself and as I hope to pass them along to others.

4. However, due to formatting, my notes that began and ended with an asterisk (*) were converted to italics when transferred to the blog.

   
   

5. If you or someone you know is struggling with shame, READ THIS! (And see my offerings page. I can help!)

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME

PYC Book Group

Notes and Takeaways

“Courage…to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”

Connection means thriving - emotionally, physically, spiritually, & intellectually

The prerequisite for empathy is compassion.

NTS: Need to develop a regular self-compassion practice. Maybe daily

Shame vs. Guilt vs. Humiliation, etc.

Pg. 13 & 14

“I am bad” = shame

“I did something bad” = guilt

Real power is the ability to change something if you want to change it. !!!!!!!

Pg. 28 the primitive part of the brain springs into action…we find ourselves being aggressive…access to advanced, rational, calm thinking goes bye bye

Our level of shame resilience depends equally on both our ability to receive empathy AND our ability to extend empathy

Ch. 3

Shame triggers - how to recognize them

Unwanted identities - characteristics that undermine our vision of our “ideal” selves

Family messages die hard! “Until we can recognize and understand why and how they influence our lives, we just keep living by them and passing them down to the next generation” (re: family messages)

*Our parents are prisoners of these messages too!

As a parent - we must watch what we do and how we treat ourselves 

“Most of us judge others whom we perceive as having the traits we dislike in ourselves” 

Ch. 4

Awareness is knowing something exists. 

Critical awareness is knowing why it exists, how it works, how our society is impacted by it and who benefits from it. !!!!!

Reality check questions:

1. How realistic are my expectations?

2. Can I be all these things all of the time?

3. Do the expectations conflict with each other?

4. Am I describing who I want to be or who others want me to be?

5. If someone perceives me as having these unwanted identities, what will happen?

6. Can I control how others perceive me? How do I try?

Practical critical awareness

• Contextualize (see big picture)

• Normalize (I’m not the only one)

• Demystify (I’ll share what I know w/ others)

Check brenebrown.com for critical awareness resources for all shame categories 

“Shame is how I feel when I see myself through someone else’s eyes” 🙁

Striving to understand the context or the big picture, doesn’t eliminate our responsibility, it increases it. 

“When we identify a personal struggle that is rooted in larger issues, we should take responsibility for both”

Re: context and collection action (pg. 107)

Ch. 5 NTS: I like the concept of “knowing laughter” and think this is a big part of my sense of humor. I laugh with people because of irony, stupidity, embarrassment, etc. and always picture that thing happening to me and what I would do: laugh. 

The different ways to create change and how that differs across individuals (pg.131) 

“We need to find a method of change that inspires us.” !!!!!! NTS: LOVE THIS

Collective action vs. personal changes

The 6 Ps

Questions pg. 153

Who are the individual groups that form your connection network?

Who reaches out to you w/ empathy and support?

Who forms a shame web?

Ch. 6 Infertility Guide = can be applied to many things we are going through or struggling with

Ch. 7 Practicing Courage in a Culture of Fear

“There is no neutrality on this issue - you are either actively working to help your children develop a positive self-concept or, by default you are sacrificing them to the media- and society-driven expectations.”

“We are also more willing to use shame, fear and judgement w/ ppl who threaten our pursuit of perfection. We can feel threatened when ppl challenge or criticize us, or we can feel threatened simply because someone is making different choices than we would make.” NTS: wow this is so my family LOL

Growth goals

In order to examine who we are, where we want to go and how we want to get there, we must have a level of self-acceptance about who we are. !!!!!!!!

Grounding prevents us from chasing acceptance and belonging by attempting to become whatever people need us to be. 

Ch. 8 Practicing Compassion in a Culture of Shame

“Giving ourselves permission to stereotype and label our own group members becomes a slippery shame slope.”

The problem arises because at some point most of us begin to believe the expectations about who we’re supposed to be, what we’re supposed to look like, what we’re supposed to do, how much we’re supposed to be and how little we’re supposed to be. 

What ppl say behind our backs can mirror our list of unwanted identities

We should be trying to help, not judge NTS: BAM!!!!!!!!!

Ch. 9 Practicing Connection in a culture of disconnection

Feeling disconnected from ourselves is a the most painful form of disconnection because we lose our authenticity NTS: (Among other things)

Our authenticity is the very foundation from which all meaningful change occurs

→NTS: Sticky note added to notes

When I’m worried about 

what I’m supposed to be, 

who I’m supposed to be & 

how I’m supposed to be, 

I can’t figure out who 

I am and who I want 

to be.

Need to talk about feelings 

and needs so we don’t cut

ourselves off from these 

important parts of our lives

If we honestly reflect on our own lives, we know that stereotypes never capture the diversity, complexity and depth of real experiences.

Faith is about nurturing our best selves

(NTS: 

See experiences of guilt as spiritual checks and balances - am I doing things or thinking things that are inconsistent w/ who I want to be)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” (Quote by Marianne Williamson)

“There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other ppl wont feel unsure around you.”

LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE

Assessing behaviors and limitations from a place of self-worth - find strengths!

Ch. 10 Creating a Culture of Connection

Shame starts at home.

So does shame resilience! As parents, we have the opportunity to raise children who are courageous, compassionate and connected

(“Change doesn’t require heroics. Change begins when we practice ordinary courage.”)